TRANSFORMATIONAL LOVE: 1 CORINTHIANS 13

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THE WAY WE WERE

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.        

1 Corinthians 13:11-12 NKJV

Each person is gifted with a differing personality and perspective on life both past, present, and future. We are often shaped by events themselves but also by how we remember those events. If we see the past through rose-colored glasses, then we will likely have pleasant memories of the past which, of course influences the present and future in positive ways. On the other hand, if we view the past through dark-colored glasses, we will likely have much resentment that affects our present and future. We need to remember that some people remember the past as being better than it was and others remember it as being worse than it was. Few remember it as it was.

Since becoming and adult, have you ever passed by or visited a house you lived in as a child? What were your thoughts? Was it as you remembered or was it different? Did it seem smaller and were all the rooms in the place you remembered? Even if the house was never remodeled since you lived there, you may be surprised. If our memories are imperfect at remembering such tangible things we can return to, then what are the implications of an imperfect memory of intangible history?

THE WAY WE ARE

It’s okay to long for “the good ole days” as long as we remember that we are venturing into an unreal land of nostalgia for a “trip down memory lane.” However, while there we should keep one foot in Reality Land so that we understand that what we see on Memory Lane might not be what actually happened. I remember the time of my children growing up as “good times” but I have been surprised to learn that they don’t see it that way at all. In fact, though my two now adult children grew up in the same home, they both remember their growing up years differently. Go figure.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

1 Corinthians 13:1-11 NIV

So, what’s the big deal? Our memories of the past, whether accurate or not, constantly massage and marinate our present and future. In fact, they are currently shaping who we are today. We are never as good as we think we are and seldom as bad as we and others think we are. There are plenty of people who don’t believe YOU can succeed; they don’t need YOU to join their club. The big deal is that you probably don’t want to be shaped by inaccurate information or the results of mentally and emotionally marinating in bitter herbs of years of resentment and anger. Have you noticed that people stuck in anger or resentment seldom use the word “love” to describe relationships with themselves or anyone else.

Have you had a conversation with someone, perhaps a family member, who shared a story of the past that included you but it was not at all how you remembered it? Perhaps you reacted, “That’s not what happened! Where did you get that story? You made that story up!” Every time you replay the “tape” it is nothing like the story they told. What does it mean?

There are certainly things in our past that we would like to change, but it is sealed and done. Sometimes we wish we could change others and how they see and do things, but that is virtually impossible. The best counsel is: Being resentful about the past holds you prisoner to the past and gets in the way of your future. Forgive, love, and move on!

VIRTUAL ALZHEIMERS

1. Your massaging and marinating your anger and resentment may have changed how you remember
2. Your constant replaying or lack of revisiting of the events of the past may have changed what and how you remember
3. Your current life situation may influence your level of resentment and how you reflect on the past
4. Your size, age, maturity level, beliefs, and attitudes then may have impaired your ability to see, understand, and remember
5. You may not have been mature enough to see or comprehend the events when they occurred
6. You are interpreting the past with a limited part of the picture
7. You may be in a rut that causes you to replay and magnify your anger and resentment and how you remember
8. Your use of alcohol and drugs may scramble what and how you remember
9. Your ego may lead you to change how and what you remember
10. Your need for affirmation and closure may affect how and what you remember

 

THE WAY WE SHOULD BE

Okay, it’s not a “memory fix” as it is an attitude fix. The point of this article is to get you to open your eyes and see the present reality and future potential. It’s time to quit blaming others, replaying the recording of your memory of “the way we were,” forgive them and yourself, and GET MOVING to a better future.

More than an attitude fix, we need a sin fix that we can only receive through faith in Jesus Christ as Lord. Anything else will not transform your mind, body, and soul and will only be temporary. Transformational love does not change how we look at things, it changes us and what we see when we look at things. If you receive Jesus as Lord, you can get rid of the dark glasses and the rose-colored glasses and see people as they are. Then love them anyway! It is based on the fact that God loves you! We need to be changed by love!

When I was about ten years old we moved to a different house that I thought was really big at the time. We moved from that house a couple of years later, but I have passed by that house occasionally for many years. It seems to get smaller every year, not because it has changed but because I have changed.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.                       1 Corinthians 13:13 NKJV

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Questions:

1. What memories of the same event have you shared with someone only to discover there were big differences?
2. How has time and your perspective changed your memories?
3. How have you dealt with negative memories and the people involved?
4. Have you received Jesus and Lord? Have you forgiven yourself? Have you forgiven others?

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC. He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

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11 WAYS A STAFF CHRISTIAN COACH CAN GROW YOUR CHURCH

Churches across the denominational spectrum have become institutionalized such that the leadership continues to do ministry much the same way they have for many decades. A case in point is the resistance of churches, even large or mega churches to start Christian coaching ministries, specifically hiring a certified Christian coach as a staff member. The business world has certainly caught on to the usefulness of executive and professional coaching. Unfortunately, there are many who fail to take the coaching profession seriously. Gary Collins is a well known teacher and author of Christian counseling and coaching. His book Christian Coaching  was first published in 2001 and revised and republished in 2009. In both books Collins seemed to be perplexed at how few churches had developed Christian coaching ministries. The reasons probably center on presuppositions and a lack of understanding of the life-coaching profession.

PRESUPPOSITIONS OF LIFE-COACHING

A few months ago there was a movie on the television playing in the background as I was writing. At each commercial break the program included a comical vignette of a life-coach in the coaching process with a client. The segment projected an impression that life-coaching as a profession is a joke. However, helping people help themselves is serious work and for the church it can be important ministry. Many think of a life-coach as a self-help guru or a New Age counselor and there are enough of them working to cloud the profession. However, a great Christian coach can grow your church ministry.

WHAT IS A CHRISTIAN COACH?

A Christian life-coach is not dissimilar to a sports coach in many ways. A sports coach can see the latent potential of an athlete. Likewise, a life-coach can see a person’s latent potential. A sports coach can determine and analyze the strengths and weaknesses of an athlete. In the same manner a good life-coach can analyze strengths and weakness of an individual and like a sports-coach, motivate her to higher performance and greater effectiveness. It is important to hire a Christian coach who recognizes when to refer individuals to the pastor or a Christian counselor. A Christian coach understand the differences between counseling, mentoring, and coaching. (Start a Christian Coaching Ministry)

RESISTENCE TO COACHING

One reason church leaders have rejected life-coaching is a lack of credibility of the profession. There are no state requirements or standardized certifications for life-coaches. No one has to possess a license to be a life-coach, Christian or otherwise. There are accrediting organizations such as the International Coach Federation  mainly for secular coaches and the Biblical Coach Alliance for Christian coaches. Coaches holding certification from one of these organizations have received some standardized professional education, training, and experience BEFORE marketing themselves as a professional life-coach. The lack of certification may not disqualify a life-coach but it is imperative to fully vet a potential staff member.

Another reason church leaders have rejected life-coaching is the resistance of Christian counseling to the profession. Many Christian counselors see life-coaches as unqualified competitors who tell clients what they want to hear instead of truly helping them. On the other hand, many Christian coaches are now obtaining coach certification to add skills to their counseling. However, mixing the two disciplines may not serve the full needs of the church or people seeking counseling or coaching. Men may seek out a coach while they may be reticent to going to a counselor. There is a big difference between marriage counseling and marriage coaching.

Finally, many of the over-50 generations possess negative attitudes toward Christian life-coaching. For instance, regarding marriage coaching an older pastor might say, “My generation got along fine without marriage coaching; just read your Bible and go to church.” Many young men and women in the churches could benefit from services of a Christian life-coach. Many older people learned the ropes of life in a large but functional family. Not so with many of the younger generations. They may benefit by having a Christian coach they may seek who will help them accentuate their strengths, talents, and people skills.

11 WAYS A CHRISTIAN COACH CAN GROW YOUR CHURCH

1. Adding a new innovative ministry may bring new people and activity.
2. Church members under 40 years of age are more likely to seek out a Christian coach than older Christians.
3. Men will often connect to a Christian coach who adds value to them.
4. Couples may greatly improve their marriages through coaching.
5. A Christian coaching ministry can help people get jobs by helping them write their resumes and holding community job fairs.
6. A Christian coaching ministry can help develop leaders in your church and community.
7. A Christian coaching ministry can enhance the relationships of the church with business and community leaders.
8. A Christian coach can serve as a leadership mentor for the church staff.
9. A Christian coach can develop new ministries such as wellness, fitness, and sports.
10. A Christian coach may provide one-on-one or one-to-a-few skills for evangelism and discipleship training.
11. Since a staff Christian coach is paid or partially paid by the church, his/her services are affordable to the church membership.
12. (One more!) A Christian coach trained in ADHD coaching can help the increasing number of families struggling with this disorder.

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Questions:

1. What is your impression of Christian life-coaching as a profession?
2. Do you understand the differences between counseling, mentoring, and coaching? (Start a Christian Coaching Ministry) 
3. What are your reasons for starting a Christian coaching ministry?

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC. He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

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RUB A DUB DUB, PLUNGE AND SCRUB

SYNOPSIS: Christians are not immune to unemployment and social isolation due to hygiene issues which have nothing to do with faith and discipleship. However, some might conclude a lack of hygiene on the outside as being reflective of a similar condition on the inside. Yes Jesus was most concerned about the inside but since the body is “the temple of the Holy Spirit” the outside should also reflect the best a person can give. (This article was first published on RENOVA Coaching.)

In the movie Far and Away, Tom Cruise playing the part of a young Irishman named Joseph Donnelly, travels to the United States with Shannon Christie played by Nichole Kidman. Their intent is to get a new start and find land in their new country. In one scene Joseph has bragged about how quickly he has finished cleaning his laundry while Shannon clearly does not know how to clean her clothes. Joseph proceeds to show her how by taking a garment, placing it on a washboard, and plunging it into the soapy water and scrubbing it on the washboard. As he demonstrates the technique he tells Shannon, “You plunge and scrub, plunge and scrub, and if it still is not clean then…you plunge and scrub and plunge and scrub.” Later in the movie Shannon demonstrates the technique to her mother who is not used to doing her own laundry.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  1 Corinthians 6:19 (NKJV) 

As a professional life coach and disciplist I have recently had the opportunity to work with some young adults who, like Shannon Christie in the movie Far and Away either do not know the virtues of personal hygiene or are too lazy to apply the principles. It is particularly troubling as some of these young adults were certainly taught the rudimentary methods of bathing, brushing their teeth, and washing their clothes by their parents but the sitcom Friends left a greater impression. It is true that we live in a time when narcissism rules but if you expect to get a job and keep it or have a meaningful relationship with someone, then perhaps you need to get back to the basics.

As a teacher I have been known to begin my classes with a quiz of five well chosen questions, so which of the answers below as related to clothing is the correct answer?

1. Throw the garment against the wall and if and when it falls to the floor it is okay to wear.
2. Clothes, including underwear, can be worn at least ten times before washing them.
3. As long as I take a shower, clothes off the floor are a reasonable choice.
4. I can skip the shower as long as I use body spray and deodorant.
5. I shower or bathe once a day and wear clean clothes that have not been worn more than twice between washings.

GROSS! I hope you know the right answer because if I have to tell you then you have a problem. It is indeed odd that this issue must be addressed but with such dysfunction in families and society, it is needed. If you have interviewed high school AND college graduates for employment lately then you might agree. I went to traffic court a couple of years ago, and I was amazed at what people wore to court. In fact the judge told one woman to come back to court the next week because she was scantily dressed in something that was entirely too small. He refused to hear her case until she was dressed more modestly.

²⁵ Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. ²⁶ Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.  Matthew 23:25-26 (NKJV) 

I interviewed one young man on several occasions and it was likely that he had bathed but body odor was evident on his clothes. Another young man almost gassed me with his bad breath. It would seem that these are common sense issues but not anymore. If you follow the following guidelines then if you don’t get the job or keep it, your loss will not be due to a lack of personal hygiene.

HYGEINE 101

1. Shower or bathe daily…with soap. Maybe you are trying to be like the Europeans or a water conservationist but the question is, “Do you want the job and/or relationship or not?” When washing yourself give attention to underarms, feet, and private parts. (I didn’t think I would ever need to write that so plainly, but times have changed.)
2. Use deodorant, body spray, and cologne conservatively. Not too much and not as a substitute for a shower or bath. I guarantee that others can smell body odor through Channel #9 and you don’t need to add your own personal spice to Old Spice.
3. Guys, trim your nails and clean the gunk out from under them. A female interviewer will notice.
4. Do something with that hair. Don’t go to an interview or to work with bed hair or unwashed flakey hair. Also, be careful about giving yourself a quick trim. One young man I knew decided to give himself a haircut and looked like he was on chemotherapy.
5. Guys, depending on the job or potential job, shave or groom your beard and mustache. Also, nose hair is not the in thing for most job interviewers and supers.
6. Brush your teeth and use mouthwash. If you eat garlic, or ramps for my Appalachian readers, some parsley oil such as Breath-Assure will neutralize the odiferous herbs. A couple Tic-Tacs can also help but you probably don’t want the rhythmical rattle of a Tic-Tac package in your pocket. I like to just take a few with me every day just for good measure.
7. God gave humans two eyebrows but nature sometimes gives some people just one. You might want to make sure you have two but be careful not to eliminate one or both.
8. Wear underwear! Years ago when I joined the U.S. Navy and had a “group physical” I was amazed at the number of guys that did not wear underwear. It’s not clean and the practice does nothing to keep your clothes clean if you know what I mean.
9. Perhaps you like your tattoo but it may not win points with an interview as a new business executive or manager in training. Cover it up. Better yet…don’t get one! I know that mine is an ultra conservative position on this one but do you want the job or not?
10. Wear clean clothes. If they have been worn once already, do the smell-test. The problem is that individuals cannot always sense their own odors…but everybody else can. You may use some discretion as related to clothing in some cases. If you are going to work around the house, then that pair of jeans that you have worn twice might be okay. However, err on the clean side. Remember to dress appropriately to the job or occasion. It is usually better to over dress slightly than to under dress.
11. Wear clean socks. Some people wear socks once and put them back in the drawer to wear again. Not cool.
12. Because bacteria particularly like to colonize shoes, it’s a good idea to spray them occasionally with a product for the purpose that kills the organisms and neutralizes foot odor. It also might be a good idea to clean and polish your shoes if appropriate.

The list could go on but these are the very basics. Add more in the comments section.

Perhaps you are saying, “Why do I have to do all those things to get a job?” While you may not agree, your perspective employer is looking for an employee who will project the image THEY want. While hiring you is about you, it’s also about them. They are looking to see (and smell) if you are a good fit. Will you project their desired image and will customers and coworkers want to be around you? The BIG question is, DO YOU WANT THE JOB OR NOT?

Life is limiting enough without limiting one’s choices because of poor hygiene.

 

QUESTIONS:

Is there a young adult that you know who might benefit by reading this article? Do you have some “tasteful” suggestions to add for males and females regarding hygiene? Do you have an interesting or funny story about hygiene as related to interviewing or hiring? Please post “tasteful” comments that will add to the discussion.

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC
He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is

a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

Email | LinkedIn | Twitter | Web | Blog | Book | Coaching| Leadership

NAME YOUR GREMLIN: PRIDE AND ARROGANCE

One way you can get out of your way is to name your gremlin. A gremlin in this sense is a self-defeating behavior that reappears in life, work, and relationships that prevents you from achieving a new level of success. Like in the movie by the same name, gremlins usually are latent and easy to live with until they are activated by external or internal factors, either past, present, or perceived future. Naming them can help you to be aware of your self-defeating behavior so you may make intentional decisions that are edifying and rewarding to all involved. The introductory article to this series is at Get Out of Your Own Way .

Compared to the other gremlins, Arrogance gremlin is one of the most difficult to deal with—kind of like Stripe. Most of the time Arrogance appears in his softer form named Pride who is usually harmless like Vanity Smurf. However, Pride easily morphs into his more dangerous personality named Arrogance. We usually can tolerate and even love Pride gremlin since we should all have a healthy self-esteem, however Arrogance is like Pride on steroids, or in this case, water and food after midnight. (Remember the instructions that came with the original gremlin Gizmo? Don’t add water and give not food after midnight.)

Arrogance is ugly…I mean he is much less attractive than Stripe or the other gremlins in this series of articles. He is not a servant leader but he is a self-serving leader. The problem is that others usually do not see him in his true form. He masks his arrogance by rewarding others with what they need as long as they give him what he needs…cover for being arrogant.  He develops co-dependent relationships with others who will reward him with praise. If in a leadership position, he will surround himself with yes-men and yes-women and dare anyone to oppose his agenda. When others try to hold Arrogance accountable, he will threaten to retaliate but will sometimes retreat to other supporters claiming that others are being unfair. He becomes divisive and then steps in as the peacemaker. Of course this is simply another way that he gains strength. Give Arrogance praise, promotion, and power and he will be even more difficult to deal with.

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18 NKJV

If Arrogance shows up in your family, workplace, church, or business, you had better name him and contain him right away. The longer you delay insures eventual disaster. Be sure to define boundaries around Arrogance and hold him within them. Otherwise he will spread and run over everyone. When Arrogance genuinely falls after confrontation, someone needs to be compassionate without re-inflating Pride with Arrogance.

Do you know someone with Arrogance gremlin? What will you do to improve the relationship and even help them? Did you discover that you possess the Pride or Arrogance gremlin?” What is your action plan to keep Arrogance in check?

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Read the Complete Series

Introduction to Gremlins: Get Out of Your Own Way!

Name Your Gremlin: Blamer

Name Your Gremlin: Denial

Name Your Gremlin: Scaredy Gremlin

Name Your Gremlin: Jekyll and Hyde

Name Your Gremlin: Pigpen Gremlin

Gremlins and Guardians: Integrity

 

An executive coach can be a valuable asset to help you minimize damage to relationships and is well worth the investment.

Disciple-Making regards,

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC
He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is

a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

Email | LinkedIn | Twitter | Web | Blog | Book | Coaching| Leadership

GREMLINS AND GUARDIANS – STAY ON THE RIGHT PATH

The readership of the Gremlin series has grown exponentially. This article is an expansion of the series with “the other side” or opposite of self-defeating behavior. GUARDIANS are self-esteem building character traits and behaviors. This is the first release of the guardian’s side of the articles. Guardians are symbolized by various styles of angel wings. Remember, feed your guardians and starve your gremlins!

INTEGRITY

Staying on the right path in life is not always easy, especially with your own personal gremlins. You can tame your gremlins by strengthening your guardians. Guardians in this sense are your inner strengths or positive character. You might envision them as the opposite of gremlins or self-defeating behaviors. Guardians for our purposes are self-esteem building behaviors and cultivating them displaces or neutralizes gremlins. You may have heard of the old adage, “Starve a fever, feed a cold.” Perhaps we could change it to “Starve a gremlin, feed a Guardian.” Guardians reveal themselves in various forms and as you may limit and minimize gremlins, you may unleash and maximize your guardians.

GUARDIANS – “INTEGRITY”

Consider the guardian Integrity which informs your personal character. Integrity has been defined as “doing the right thing even and especially when you are alone.” A person cannot have a little integrity as it is all or none. If one cannot be trusted then Integrity is not present in one’s life and character. Obviously, one may cultivate honesty and trust that will support the presence of Integrity. One challenging fact about Integrity is that if others perceive it has been lost, then it is difficult to regain. Integrity is received in one of four ways:

1. One is granted Integrity on the basis of title, position, or status.
2. One is loaned Integrity on the basis of references from friends who are perceived to have Integrity.
3. One has earned a high level of Integrity over time one decision at a time.
4. One is earning Integrity little by little after a failure due to a lack of Integrity.

John is a high school student and is having ongoing conflict with his mother. John has been a compliant and reasonably obedient son most of the time until recently. He got in trouble with some friends when he cut class one day. They had been drinking beer in a house that was under construction when the police happened to show up. Of course John was charged with several crimes and the one incident caused his mother to lose trust in him. In her eyes he had lost integrity. He had done everything he was supposed to do for the last three months but she still would not allow him to do things with his friends. He wondered how long it would take for him to earn his Integrity back.

Another challenge regarding Integrity is that it is seen and evaluated through the opinions of others. While it is true that “Integrity is doing the right thing even when you are alone,” when there is a failure of one’s Integrity, there may be severe consequences. Private failure may become public knowledge resulting in a loss of reputation leading to failure…a loss of Integrity.

Young people gradually earn trust as they demonstrate their honesty and consistency regarding their word. After a time of proving themselves, they may realize the presence of Integrity. However, after graduating from high school the student may find that entering college or a job, they find they have to almost start over earning trust that eventually adds up to Integrity. The point is that we go through stages of life and career in which Integrity must be earned and re-earned based on the perceptions of peers and superiors as well.

Gremlins as self-defeating behaviors are constantly eating away it the foundation of one’s integrity. One must tame the gremlins and empower the guardians. Integrity is one of the chief guardians and STAY ON THE RIGHT PATH.

QUESTIONS:

Do you possess Integrity in your life? What will you do to cultivate a  life of Integrity? How have you noticed that you lived through waxing and waning integrity through passages of life, education and work?

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC
He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is

a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

Email | LinkedIn | Twitter | Web | Blog | Book | Coaching| Leadership

NAME YOUR GREMLIN: Jekyll and Hyde

Jekyll and Hyde Gremlin

One way you can get out of your way is to name your gremlin. A gremlin in this sense is a self-defeating behavior that reappears in life, work, and relationships that prevents you from achieving a new level of success. Like in the movie by the same name, gremlins usually are latent and easy to live with until they are activated by external or internal factors, either past, present, or perceived future. Naming them can help you to be aware of your self-defeating behavior so you may make intentional decisions that are edifying and rewarding to all involved. The introductory article to this series is at Get Out of Your Own Way.

I am sure you have worked with or for a person with a Jekyll and Hyde gremlin. As long as you are dealing with Jekyll everything is okay, but that’s the problem. The occasional and unexpected appearance of …Hyde! It’s like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get. Quite a few years ago I worked for a small company as a production manager. The owner/boss was a good man to work for…most days, but then there were the times when he suddenly changed. His explosive behavior was usually over something relatively small but the damage he caused was enormous. A day or two after the event, he would often apologize. If he happened to fire someone while Hyde was in control, he might try to rehire them. This is the classic profile of a spouse or child abuser whose reaction to something fails to qualify as a proportional response and they are sorry afterwards.

The perspective of this article is less how to work with a person with this, or these gremlins, and more about helping yourself if you discover Jekyll and Hyde in yourself. Here are some quick tips:

• You will know you have a Jekyll and Hyde gremlin when others tell you that you are your worst enemy, you are difficult to work with, or that people never know “who” to expect when they see you.
• Hire an executive coach. There are three reasons you need a professional coach:

1. You need a coach to increase your awareness of signals of which to be aware so you may control Hyde.
2. When Hyde appears, you will hurt people and your relationship with them. You need a coach to advise you on how to fix relationships.
3. Learn what triggers the emotional reaction that stimulates the appearance of Hyde. I can’t help but feel we are talking about the Incredible Hulk.

• Practice presence. You will find that Hyde’s appearance is usually preceded by distractions, concerns, and a lack of focus. One way to minimize Hyde is to be in the room when others are talking. Presence means that you are not emailing or texting when you should be paying attention.
• Keep a journal where you record when Hyde appeared. The problem is that Jekyll may have difficulty remembering what Hyde said or did.
• Don’t use Hyde as an excuse for bad behavior.

An executive coach is a valuable asset to help you minimize damage to relationships and is well worth the investment.

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Questions:

1. How have you recognized Hyde in your life in the past?
2. Have you found that you sabotage yourself repeatedly?
3. How might a professional coach help you recognize and get rid of Hyde?

SD Blessings,

Dr. Tom Cocklereece, The Disciplist

This article is a revision of a previous post on my coaching blog site RENOVA Coaching

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC. He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

Email | LinkedIn | Twitter | Web | Blog | Book | Coaching

NAME YOUR GREMLIN: Scaredy Gremlin

Scaredy Gremlin

One way you can get out of your way is to name your gremlin. A gremlin in this sense is a self-defeating behavior that reappears in life, work, and relationships that prevents you from achieving a new level of success. Like in the movie by the same name, gremlins usually are latent and easy to live with until they are activated by external or internal factors, either past, present, or perceived future. Naming them can help you to be aware of your self-defeating behavior so you may make intentional decisions that are edifying and rewarding to all involved. The introductory article to this series is at Get Out of Your Own Way.

Another devastating gremlin that prevents people from reaching their full potential is Scaredy. Have you ever met someone who has a reputation for quitting or they seldom finish a commitment. Most of the time, they never even get started because they contemplate the fear of failure so much that they fall into the habit of avoiding commitment. A sign of Scaredy Gremlin is persistent procrastination which is no more than claiming a value without acting on it. The individual has said yes but their actions say no. This dichotomy is reflected in the intense conflict the individual feels leading up to making the commitment. One might see this gremlin as the “Runaway Bride syndrome.” He feeds on fear and anxiety and the higher level of these makes him happy.

The remedy for Scaredy Gremlin is to make commitments…and keep them—doing the opposite of that which one’s emotions would lead in this case. As with people who do not suffer from the inability to commit, it is not a blind commitment to anything and everything. Instead, the individual should follow the following course:

1. Admit that you struggle with commitment or the lack thereof.
2. Partner with a trusted accountability partner who will walk with you through your journey to overcome this gremlin.
3. Make some intentional small commitments one at a time. These might relate to things to which the individual has a strong feeling. Maybe it would be doing one-day volunteer work for a not for profit organization. Another possibility is to join a small hobby or study group knowing that an eventual speaking presentation may be expected. These experiences should be increasingly difficult and be of mutual benefit.
4. Rely on the accountability partner whenScaredy Gremlin begins to present himself. Be prepared for the internal suggestions:
   • You don’t feel well.
   • You aren’t really helping anybody.
   • You’re never going to overcome this problem.
   • You can’t finish anything.

…and so on. The accountability partner should offer encouragement and dialogue to counter such expected internal conflict

Finish strong! Celebrate when you complete the commitment. Remember that there are some commitments that have no end, but should be celebrated on anniversaries and at major achievements.

Remember that the best weapon against the various gremlins is to name them and counter them usually with the opposite action to which they push.

QUESTIONS:

1. What would be the opposite action you might take to counteract your gremlin?
2. Have you established a circle of accountability friends to help you overcome your gremlin?
3. How may you help someone else overcome their gremlins?

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC
He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

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NAME YOUR GREMLIN: Denial

Denial is More than a River in Egypt!

One way you can get out of your way is to name your gremlin. A gremlin in this sense is a self-defeating behavior that reappears in life, work, and relationships that prevents you from achieving a new level of success. Like in the movie by the same name, gremlins usually are latent and easy to live with until they are activated by external or internal factors, either past, present, or perceived future. Naming them can help you to be aware of your self-defeating behavior so you may make intentional decisions that are edifying and rewarding to all involved. The introductory article to this series is at Get Out of Your Own Way.

Denial is a common gremlin and usually works best in cooperation with other gremlins. You have probably heard someone jokingly say, “Denial is more than a river in Egypt.” Jokes given in that way often have a seed of truth, as they were probably pointing out your denial about an issue.

A gremlin in this sense is a self-defeating behavior that reappears in life, work, and relationships that prevents you from achieving a new level of success.

We humans have an amazing adeptness when it comes to denial. Some denial is rather harmless and comical. For instance, I know a man in his 70s and his hair gets bluer each time I see him. The explanation is that his hair is naturally white at his age so he tries to color it a distinguished gray. However, because he has severe corneal cataracts in both eyes, what looks gray to him turns out to be a smurfy blue. For years he has denied that his vision was deteriorating.

Denial is more often harmful illustrated in the following bullets:

• The woman having an affair but thinks nobody else could possibly know.
• A man has a family history of prostate cancer; has had chronic deep back or groin pain, but refuses to go to the doctor for a simple test.
• The diabetic who eats three donuts and simply compensates with a little more insulin—on a regular basis.
• The person sitting down to a double rack of ribs a month after having coronary heart surgery.
• The woman who returns to her abusive husband only to get beat up again—for the third time.
• The organization that refuses to change even though their community and target customer has.

The list could go on, and please feel free to add to it with your own comments.

Denial is a refusal to accept or comprehend the external reality because it is too threatening whether the reality is self-inflicted or external. It takes the forms of lying to oneself and others, ignoring, passivity, passive aggression, and even continued inappropriate behavior. (Doing the same thing over while expecting different results)

Denial is a refusal to accept or comprehend the external reality because it is too threatening whether the reality is self-inflicted or external.

The remedy for the denial gremlin is 1) naming it, 2) brutal truth, and 3) radical accountability. The initial problem is the denial of denial, as getting the individual to the point of acceptance is indeed difficult. When there is a window of opportunity to help a person in denial—jump through it! By neutralizing the denial gremlin you will likely also eliminate some other paralyzing gremlin.

Remember:

• Gremlins can be tamed or eliminated.
• Gremlins always appear meaner than they really are.
• Gremlins are bullies so they have no power if you stand up to them.
• Gremlins diminish as you experience success.

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Questions:

1. How have you recognized denial in your life in the past?
2. Ask a trusted family member or friend and ask them to tell you your denial issues.
3. Do your denial issues point to deeper issues such as unresolved anger or an unwillingness to accept reality or responsibility?

SD Blessings,

Dr. Tom Cocklereece, The Disciplist

This article is a revision of a previous post on my coaching blog site RENOVA Coaching

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC. He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

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HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR GREMLINS: Blamer

NAME THEM AND CLAIM THEM TO GET RID OF THEM

One way you can get out of your way is to name your gremlin. A gremlin in this sense is a self-defeating behavior that reappears in life, work, and relationships that prevents you from achieving a new level of success. Like in the movie by the same name, gremlins usually are latent and easy to live with until they are activated by external or internal factors, either past, present, or perceived future. Naming them can help you to be aware of your self-defeating behavior so you may make intentional decisions that are edifying and rewarding to all involved. The introductory article to this series is Get Out of Your Own Way.

 

BLAMING is a passive-aggressive form of bullying others.

 

It is likely that you have known someone who has the gremlin named “Blamer,” that is, they seem to always blame somebody or something for their failure. They rarely accept responsibility for anything and even when they do, their statement usually includes some measure of blaming. If Blamer is your gremlin, you need to know two things: 1) you are sabotaging your success and relationships, and 2) your future opportunities will gradually diminish. If this is what you want out of life then keep Blamer as your pet and feed him well with criticism of others at every opportunity. On the other hand, if you desire to improve your relationships and increase future opportunities, always be aware of your latent blaming potential and critical spirit. Then,…stop,…accept responsibility,…and do your best with no excuses (another gremlin). You will enjoy improved relationships and more opportunities. However, you may need to get to the heart of the matter.

GREMLINS LOVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES!

Blaming is often disguised as unhealthy guilt that has never been resolved. Remember that when you point to others there are three fingers pointing back to you—four if your thumb is double-jointed. Ask yourself several questions:

1. Has there been a cataclysmic event in my life that provides me with an unending well of anger and resentment?
2. Have others ever told you that you are always critical or blaming?
3. Do you see accepting responsibility and admitting your failings a weakness?
4. Do you repeatedly share blame stories with family and friends? You may find that it’s like a fish story in which the fault blamed on others get bigger with each telling.

I like what Rick Warren teaches in his well known book The Purpose-Driven Life: “Don’t get bitter but choose to get better.”  Forgiveness of others and self is the remedy.

SD Blessings,

Dr. Tom Cocklereece, The Disciplist

This article is a revision of a previous post on my coaching blog site RENOVA Coaching

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC. He is a pastor, author, professional coach, leadership specialist, and is a member Coach/Teacher/Speaker for the John Maxwell Team

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DISCIPLESHIP BEST PRACTICES: 8 – PERSONAL DISCIPLESHIP

Personal Discipleship

This series of articles explores thirteen major methods that are effective for making disciples. Keep in mind that in a ubiquitous (all encompassing, everywhere present) disciple-making process, virtually each method is not only encouraged but is planned into the church ministries. Here is a list including links to articles that have been completed in the series:

• Simple Discipleship: A Comprehensive Disciple-Making Plan- The Simple Discipleship Virtual Book Tour- (updated) originally posted in 2010
• DISCIPLESHIP BEST PRACTICES: 13 Ways to Make Disciples

1. Passive Discipleship: the least effective method but essential to support other methods
2. Private Discipleship: the Christian and the Holy Spirit (most effective but under used)
3. Presence Discipleship: In times of crisis the disciple invests time, assistance, and prayer.
4. Participation or Proximity Discipleship: applies to all areas but most of all to giving
5. Projected Discipleship: Actively but humbly projecting a Christian example of living Christ’s teachings.
6. Platform or Presentation Discipleship: preaching in church and lecture-style Bible study
7. Program Discipleship: Pre-packaged materials delivered in large or small groups.
8. Personal Discipleship: One-on-one discipleship (very effective but seldom used)
9. Peer Group Discipleship: Bible study and Sunday School
10. Practical Discipleship: Hands on service, evangelism, and missional projects
11. Proficiency Discipleship: Leadership Development
12. Proclamation Discipleship: Evangelism and preaching to unchurched
13. Process Discipleship: All of the above delivered in a systematic way

Evaluate how you and your church are doing in the 13 methods of discipleship: Copy of 13 Ways to Make Disciples_Evaluation

AN ABSURD ANALOGY…

John and Sandy went to the doctor’s office together with great apprehension. Several weeks prior, Sandy had completed a routine mammogram exam. Within ten days Sandy received a call to repeat the exam and have some other tests. It raised her concerns as she scheduled the follow-up exam and tests. Within a few days Sandy received a call to have a meeting with a cancer physician. So Sandy decided the report must be bad so she asked her husband to go with her for emotional support. Dr. Patelli walked in and greeted the couple. He was very slim and dressed in a professional manner. While he seemed to project a friendly attitude, his concern and seriousness was evident. The doctor began to go through the report in a matter of fact manner. To boil it down, Sandy had breast cancer that had already spread to her lungs according to the various supporting exams. While this was shocking to Sandy, Dr. Patelli began to reassure her of the treatment and prognosis. He suggested that a treatment regimen using a combination of several varieties of interferon would be effective in her case. He felt that there was a better than 90% chance of curing her cancer. John and Sandy began to ask questions about the treatment and other possibilities.

John asked, “Interferon treatments have been around for some time. Aren’t there newer treatments that should be used?”

Dr. Patelli said, “While there are some negative side effects of interferon and it is an older treatment, I think it is the best to use in Sandy’s case. Again, the cure rate is about 90% using the interferon for this type of cancer.”

“I think I agree with John, Dr. Patelli,” Sandy replied. “I have a friend, Betty who said her mother had a bad reaction to interferon when she had cancer. I want a newer treatment.”

Puzzled, the doctor said, “Well, there are some new chemotherapy regimens that alternate the chemicals to increase effectiveness and are engineered to be gentler than most chemotherapy treatments. However, the survival rate is not as good as the interferon treatment…say 40%.”

Sandy replied, “Let’s go with the chemo treatment.”

“Huh?” Dr. Patelli was dumbfounded and could not believe Sandy’s choice.

Simple Discipleship Conference

PERSONAL DISCIPLESHIP: MOST EFFECTIVE BUT UNDERUSED

My book, Simple Discipleship: How to Make Disciples in the 21^st Century was published in late 2009 by Church Smart Resources. During 2010, I had the opportunity to do a sort of “book tour” leading conferences to introduce the book. In the course of the year, leaders from over one hundred churches attended my conferences. I began each conference with a question: “How many churches represented here intentionally do one to one discipleship?” I further explained that “personal discipleship is when new Christians are intentionally paired with a discipler in order to 1) connect the new believer to the church, and 2) to get the new Christian off to a good start learning how to nourish his or her spiritual growth. Out of over 100 churches represented in these meetings, not even one church clearly identified personal discipleship as an intentional disciple-making method that they used. Certainly Jesus used personal discipleship as one of his methods.

Like Dr. Patel in the fictional absurd analogy at the beginning of this article, I was dumbfounded!

Some leaders tried to reason that their church had an assimilation class for new members and Christians but I don’t buy a diversity group assimilation method as discipleship. The goals of assimilation of members and discipleship differ. Assimilation programs are designed primarily with the needs of the organization in mind while discipleship is designed with the needs of the disciplee in mind.

Out of over 100 churches, not even one clearly identified personal discipleship as an intentional disciple-making method they used.

PERSONAL DISCIPLESHIP EFFECTIVENESS

I continue to wonder at why so few churches intentionally employ personal discipleship as a method of disciple-making. In the 20^th century we saw class sizes in schools and colleges increase while grades and the quality of education dropped. Since the 1990s there has been an increasing use of home school and one to one tutoring organizations with a concurrent rise in the grades and quality of education for the students affected. On the other hand, grades and education quality continues to fall in schools that have large classes.

I plan to write an article soon with some statistical support for these claims. In a cursory reading of articles on the subject I found that struggling students with just three months of one to one tutoring can jump one whole grade. Clearly personal discipleship is one of the most effective methods of disciple-making. What if churches began intentionally designing one to one discipleship into their disciple-making processes? I believe it would begin a genuine discipleship revolution.

Through my ministry, Simple Discipleship, I recommend designing as many of the thirteen discipleship methods listed above into your church’s disciple-making process and insure that personal discipleship is a priority. Here are several recommendations:

• Simple Discipleship recommends training 4 Discipleship Coaches to insure that the disciple-making process is ongoing.
• The 4 Discipleship Coaches should be a mix of men and women so they may do personal discipleship of others of the same gender.
• Establish strong policies of selection, background checks, and training for Discipleship Coaches.
• Equip Discipleship Coaches with not only the best training but also provide great materials such as The Disciple-Maker’s Toolkit, MasterLife, The Survival Kit, or other proven material.
• Large churches should establish Christian coaching ministries that include at least one coach trainer who will train as many Sunday school teachers as possible to be Discipleship Coaches.
• Christian Coaching Ministries should be separate from education and counseling ministries though they would certainly work together. They should not compete or threaten one another but the goals of each must be firmly established.

In the “Absurd Analogy” at the beginning of the article, which treatment would you choose? If personal discipleship is the equivalent of interferon in the analogy, why would you not employ it in your church? Do it now! Simple Discipleship can assist you with consultation and training of your Christian coaching staff and Discipleship Coaches.

SD Blessings,

Dr. Tom Cocklereece, The Disciplist

QUESTIONS:

1. Examine your church’s disciple-making ministry. Does your church intentionally design personal discipleship into the ministry?
2. Why do many churches not use intentional personal discipleship?
3. Identify Bible references where personal discipleship is used.
4. What steps will your church have to take to develop personal discipleship into the ministry?
5. What will you do to move to a high-expectation disciple-making delivery process in your church?

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Dr. Tom Cocklereece is CEO of RENOVA Coaching and Consulting, LLC
Author “Simple Discipleship,” contributing writer L2L Blogazine
He is a pastor, an author, professional coach, and leadership specialist
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